Spooflé News Feed
Giants: The Reins Are Off Manning
Coughlin: Now We Can't Find Him
filed by Michael E Lawrence
23/1/2008
New York Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin last night told the assembled Manhattan media: "The reins are off Eli."
But journalists were advised the coach was in no way being metaphorical.
"Meta-what? You idiots, I'm serious! We tied him up to the goal post in his training walker and somehow he just slipped out of there. We've plain lost him…"
Last night New Jersey was on a state of red alert, as residents were warned the younger Manning was at large and potentially at risk.
"I mean, he's choked before," noted a team official.
At press-time, upset linebacker Antonio Pierce was blaming himself, saying:
"He said he'd take his ball home if we didn't play fair, but we just didn't listen, we just didn't listen."
Spooflé News Feed
Angry Rivers Hits Back at 'B.A.' Rap
Pities the Fools Who Question Demeanour
filed by Michael E Lawrence
21/1/2008
San Diego gunslinger Phil Rivers angrily denied he had a bad attitude in the wake of Sunday's playoff loss at New England.
"It's ridiculous," he said, while flipping the bird to a passing school bus.
"I am not a trash-talking adolescent, and smart as I am, I should know, cheesewad," he added.
At press-time close friend Murdoch was said to be distracting Rivers with high jinks while Faceman slipped tranquiliser into his coa coa.
Spooflé News Feed
Belichick In Video Recording Controversy
Sets VCR to record Simpsons, Lost, Corrie
filed by Michael E Lawrence
14/9/2007
Formidable Patriots' Head Coach Bill Belichick was caught up in a whirlwind of controversy last night after the New York Jets made an official complaint to the NFL office concerning his use of VCR recording equipment.
"It's clear to us that Belichick has been recording both daytime and primetime television broadcasts for some time now," commented an unnamed Jets source. "What we can't figure out is why he doesn't just buy a DVD player."
The Jets pointed out that in conversation Belichick often seemed well versed in television shows that aired on Sundays, when Belichick was clearly working the sidelines of Patriots pre- and regular season games.
"Something's not right," commented Jets' coach Eric Mangini. "How can he be so up on what's happening in Eastenders when he's out coaching at the same time the omnibus is on?"
Spoofle News Feed
Kitna: Lions will win 10 games in '07
Pig: I flew
filed by Michael E Lawrence
3/9/2007
Emboldened by an off season of big name acquisitions, Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna informed reporters Monday the Lions would win 10 games in the 2007 regular season and make the playoffs.
Lions doctors confirmed the player was not suffering a concussion.
“Everything's in place for a run at the title,” said Kitna, presumably referring to a secret Mafioso plot to do away with the other 31 NFL teams.
Head Coach Rod Marinelli later tempered expectations.
“It's great to have the team believe in itself and to hear that confidence, but we still have a ways to go,” commented Marinelli, presumably referring to a complete paucity of talent on both sides of the ball.
Spoofle News Feed
Leftwich shocker: I took part in dog walking
Leads, stuffed toys found at raided player's home
filed by Michael E Lawrence
1/9/2007
The NFL world was rocked last night when mild-mannered Jacksonville quarterback Byron Leftwich sensationally admitted to being part of a dog walking ring.
Leftwich admitted he had:
- Walked his neighbour's dog on an ongoing basis
- Considered buying a dog himself, before thinking better of it because of the mess
- Thrown tennis balls in order that the dog could play “fetch”
- Underthrown him repeatedly
A distraught Leftwich was forced to offer a public apology after locals had spotted the 6th year pro posting flyers for a dog walking service run from his Jacksonville, Fla. home.
“I know it was wrong, but I guess it was just a thrill to throw the ball up there and have a real chance of it being caught for a change,” a tearful Leftwich concluded.
Spoofle News Feed
Dungy Eats Donuts
Dungy: I'm just taking it one bite at a time
filed by Michael E Lawrence
29/8/2007
Ultra-methodical Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy worked his way through a 12 pack of Crispy Crème donuts Thursday, but vowed: I'm not looking ahead to the coffee.
Dungy took it one donut at a time as he polished off the variety pack, but noted that he assumed nothing would be easy from start to finish.
Said Dungy:
“Everyone told me – the triple chocolate is the big one, that's the donut you've got to go for, that'll take some chewing, but I wasn't prepared to look past the single chocolate or even the jelly-filled, let alone the lemon zest. Those donuts can repeat on you if you're not careful. It's important to approach each one the same and with exactly the same level of mastication.”
There were concerns last night in Indianapolis as Dungy was rumoured to be considering tucking into a pack of Digestive biscuits.
“We could be here all week,” noted an insider.
Spoofle News Feed
Vick: I am not a gambler
filed by Michael E Lawrence
13/8/2007
Under fire Atlanta Falcon quarterback was deflecting more hot water last night as he dismissed allegations he was involved in a gambling ring, including punts on this year's Championship game between Indianapolis and Chicago.
“C'mon,” noted Vick, “why would I bet on that game? Did you see the spread?”
Spoofle News Feed
JOHNSON DEFEATS HORSE IN FOOTRACE
HORSE: I WAS JIPPED
filed by Michael E Lawrence
29/5/2007
Chad Johson outpaced racehorse Restore the Roar in a foot race last week, but the defeated party was not happy about it, calling foul to the media Tuesday.
Speaking through Ohio based horse whisperer Rod Nostra, Roar said:
“The whole thing was a crock – he was halfway to Indiana before they let me get started. Give me a fair shot at that biped and I'd whup him good. I'd ocho kicko his ass. Say – you got any nosebag?”
Johnson was spotted a 100 yard head start in the race.
Nostra said Roar also predicted this week's winning lotto numbers would be 6, 32, 45 and 48, and that humankind would encounter intelligent alien life within the next decade.
“He has remarkable insight,” said Nostra.
Spoofle News Feed
GOODELL BANS THE BOOZE
BENGALS SHAKEN BUT UNSTIRRED
filed by Michael E Lawrence
29/5/2007
Unnoticed by the media at large last week was first-term Commissioner Roger Goodell's decision to ban alcohol on NFL team buses and flights, extending a pre-exisiting ban on alcohol in locker rooms.
But NFL badboys the Cincinnati Bengals took the news hard, downing it with a slice of lemon and just a pinch of salt.
“It's banned in locker rooms?” commented visibly deflated Bengal wide receiver Chris Henry, “You're telling me that thing's a water cooler?”
Moving forward, NFL teams will no longer be allowed to serve alcoholic beverages on all journeys and team functions. The rule will apply to players, coaches and owners alike.
Citing motivational issues, Las Vegas bookmakers have since tripled the Bengals odds of winning Super Bowl XLII.
“I mean, what kind of a party would it be?” posed a Vegas insider.
At presstime, Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis was said to be exploring alternative travel arrangements for away games.
“There's nothing in there about walking,” noted Lewis.
Spoofle News Feed
BROWNS HALT QUINN'S PLUMMET
Rookie deals with disappointment
filed by Michael E Lawrence
30/4/2007
Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn's dreams were shattered in a very public forum Saturday, when Cleveland dealt up with Dallas to select the passer 22nd overall, and with it ruin a decent shot at becoming the 2007 draft's Mr. Irrelevant.
A disconsolate Quinn had been visibly relaxed and content as team after team passed on him in the draft's opening stanza, only for Browns' General Manager Phil Savage to swoop in and tab the passer. Bravely, Quinn walked on stage with a Browns jersey and mugged for cameras, but the heartbreak was visible for all to see.
Said Fightng Irish fan and draft attendee Charles Wieszelstrom, "It's just terrible. I mean, the kid did everything he could - missing open receivers, taking sacks - you name it. He couldn't have played any worse against LSU if he tried."
For Quinn and agent Tom Condon, it's back to the drawing board, as both watched surefire minicamp fodder CB Ramzee Robinson get picked at 334. Robinson will do the dinner talk circuit and visit Disneyland this Summer.
"Obviously, I'll suck it up and do all I can to perform at the level I've performed when it really counts," said Quinn, whose selection by the Browns, 30-67 since its renaissance as an NFL franchise in 1999, at least goes some way to making that outcome more likely.
At press-time, Quinn, keen to blow the cobwebs off, was rumoured to be borrowing TE Kellen Winslow's bike.
