Alternative End of Season Awards
by Liam Blackburn
January 6th 2011
 
It’s that time of year again to reward the good, the bad, but mainly the ugly moments of 2010. So don’t despair Redskins, Cardinals and Lions fans, you may have had little to cheer about on the football field, but your guys clean up here.
 
The “Can you feel the love tonight?” Award
 
WINNERS - The Washington Redskins, Donovan McNabb and Albert Haynesworth
 
After a nine year marriage with Philadelphia, Donovan was hoping for something a bit more stable in Washington. He never quite found true love in Philly and after an amicable split, Donovan soon found solace in Washington.
 
Washington themselves were going through a messy divorce with a certain Albert Haynesworth. Albert clearly stretched the limits of “in sickness and in health” when his weight ballooned to astronomical levels. So much so that he couldn’t perform basic acts expected of him in their partnership... such as moving. He has done little to quell the doubters who believe he’s only tied down to Washington for their money. The decision for neither to sign a prenuptial is looking increasingly unwise.
 
So the steady, reliable hand of Donovan should have been a welcome relief for the Redskins. All was not well in the Washington household though and soon the problems became public. Coach Mike Shanahan refused to stand by his man in their two minutes of need in Detroit and things snowballed from there. Even a renewal of vows, in the form of an extended contract, only served to paper over the cracks. Mike’s son Kyle failed to warm to Donovan but getting ditched for Rex Grossman is a cruel fate no man should have to endure.
 
Donovan continues to search for his true love. His next destination could well be Minnesota who are on the look out for a toy boy after their last fling was cut short by age.
 
The “Most inappropriate time to laugh” Award
 
WINNER - Derek Anderson
 
So, you’re down 18 points in the fourth quarter in a miserable season, in that situation all you can do is laugh or cry, right? Guess again Derek Anderson.
 
You see Derek, short of bursting into an uncontrollable fit of ecstasy at a funeral, there can’t be many more situations where contracting a dose of the giggles is more inappropriate.
 
Derek was last seen holding the clipboard for whichever rookie made the best impression of Kurt Warner’s heart-wrenching story that week. Laughter was most certainly not the best medicine in this scenario.
 
The “Can he kick it? No he can’t” Award
 
WINNER - Ndamukong Suh
 
Back in Week 9, the Lions - up 13-10 - had Jason Hanson injured and unable to attempt an extra point.
 
Oh, but it’s OK because Ndamukong Suh used to play “soccer”. That’s how he’s developed such good footwork for a big guy. Except Suh did his best John Terry impression, hit the post and the Lions went on to lose the game by a slender margin.
 
“He’s too big for soccer!” shrieked Prime over the post-game highlights.
 
Maybe he did play soccer but there are two things I’d like to point out here. Firstly, Americans on the whole aren’t great at the British national game. Secondly, Ndamukong Suh is a giant!
 
If Ndamukong played soccer to any standard he was the centre half who elbows you when you go up for a header or the central midfielder who lunges with both feet during a 50-50. Why the Lions thought these skills would translate to an extra point conversion is anyone’s guess.
 
Please see Dan Connolly and the Patriots for how to use big men in innovative ways!
 
The “Let’s wind up the most serene man in football” Award
 
WINNER – Cortland Finnegan
 
Andre Johnson is one of the most laid back, cool-as-ice wide receivers in the league. If he wasn’t built like such a beast you could probably push him over and he’d never have any interest in getting back up. So you’ve got to go to some lengths to whip him into an uncontrollable frenzy, unless of course you’re Cortland Finnegan.
 
Finnegan is a wind-up merchant extraordinaire and plays opposite some of the biggest egos in football; it’s a miracle he’s still prancing around at all. He’s also not really that big, particularly in comparison with Johnson. Perhaps small man syndrome took over because starting on the tranquil Johnson seemed like a wise idea for the Titans’ DB. The next minute he was seen helmet-less cowering on the floor with a raging Johnson unleashing years of pent-up fury.
 
I can only assume that witnessing the horrific haircut Finnegan was sporting only motivated Johnson even more.
 
The “Josh McDaniels” Award
 
WINNER – Josh McDaniels
 
It’s hard to encompass all of Josh McDaniels’ errors into one easy to pinpoint award. I’d like to think this would be a lifetime achievement gong but he’s barely out of nappies in a coaching sense. He’s a little bit like Stuart Baggs off The Apprentice. There’s certainly something there but you wouldn’t trust him to run your company. Unfortunately that’s the error Denver made.
 
His biggest faux pas has to be trading Peyton Hillis away. Denver have developed a penchant for acquiring fairly useless running backs of late and McDaniels continued this fine tradition. This year, Corey Buckhalter, Laurence Maroney, Knowshon Moreno and Lance Ball all carried the baton with minimal success. Hillis meanwhile flourished in Cleveland and was one of the stand out performers in the entire league.
 
With two first round draft picks this year McDaniels passed on Dez Bryant, which may or may not go down as a huge error, and then picked up Tim Tebow. The Tebow project is a fascinating one which may well turn out to be an inspirational coup. But could McDaniels, a man who changed the entire dynamic when he came in, afford to take any more gambles this year? Well, he didn’t last the year.
 
The “Lost mojo” Award
 
WINNER – Chad Ochocinco
 
As a long term supporter of all things Ocho related, your writer has been distraught at his apparent lack of craziness of late. For this was supposed to be the year when Chad teamed up with T.O. and cracked the big time as the greatest double act of all time.
 
Forget Carson Palmer’s inadequacies, these two would create shenanigans even if they weren’t getting the ball.
 
Yet we’ve had no crazy celebrations, no controversial tweets and no dashing dance moves. Instead we’ve had a paltry return of four TDs for a man who simply appears to have lost that fun-loving streak. At least throw a temper tantrum when you’re not getting the ball Chad, c’mon man!
 
Still, we did have a chuckle when his branded cereal accidently listed a sex line. Here’s hoping that wherever he may be next year, Chad regains that mojo.
 
The “It’s always the quiet ones” Award
 
WINNER - Danny Woodhead
 
Roll up, roll up, the New York Jets are in town. Shout it from the rooftops. Sing it from the tallest tree ‘cos the New York Jets are going to waltz all the way to the Super Bowl.
 
Rex Ryan’s plan of action looked all well and good until Week 13s crucial match up with divisional rivals the New England Patriots.
 
One rather embarrassing 45-3 demolition later and the Jets’ roar suddenly resembled more of an irritating whimper. They were outplayed, outcoached and outclassed in every department but it was a 5ft8, 195lbs running back who towered above the others. Danny Woodhead started the season as a Jet and it was impossible not to root for a small man trying to make his way amongst man-mountains. A quiet gentle character with a big heart and a “just go out there and get it done” mentality, Woodhead’s perfect home was always going to be in Foxborough rather than at the New Meadowlands.
 
So whilst those pesky frat boys ogled female journalists, preened for the cameras and mischievously tripped opposition players, Woodhead exited stage left and wound up at the Jets’ divisional rivals.
 
On that night in Week 13 he accumulated 115 yards of total offense and contributed on special teams too. The Jets’ loss was most certainly the Patriots’ gain. It’s not he who laughs loudest but he who laughs last…