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Banned In The USA
Despite Roger Goodell's best efforts to clean up the league it seems that every other week the papers are full of NFL dirt. And whilst we continually read in Cosmopolitan that clean cut guys always get the girl, why is it that Charlie Sheen and Colin Farrell always have a bevy of beauties on their arms? It's a topsey turvey world and in this edition I suspend my sense and show you how to draft a Fantasy team guaranteed to see you banned from a title. I present the Bad Bwoy Fantasy Team of 2010...
QB - Ben Roethlisberger - Steelers The Robin Askwith of pro football. The early signs were there when he started his career by hurling himself over motorcycle handlebars into an oncoming car shattering it's windscreen with his head. Set your eyebrows to stun when you find out he did this firstly without a helmet on, and secondly without a valid motorcycle license. Insert your own "bonehead" wisecrack here. Whilst none of the charges have stuck in recent times Big Ben's libido has meant he refuses to steer clear of potential trouble situations in the hunt for good time gals and fun. Fantasy owners hoped Roger Goodell would commission the return of the British sex-romp series with the working title "Confessions of a QB", instead he handed out a 6 week ban to start 2010.
RB - Larry Johnson - Redskins He has a fresh chance in Washington to find the magic that once saw him register 40 TDs in a two year span. Be warned though, Johnson has been arrested four times since 2003 on various assault charges and whilst charges have been dropped he is a continued suspension threat. In 2008 Johnson was suspended for a game against the Titans for violating team rules, he also was benched for the following game against the Jets. Then after weeks of being inactive commissioner Roger Goodell joined the party and suspended him for week 10. Twitter appears to be the de rigueur manner in which players get themselves into trouble these days, but it was Larry who pioneered the art of the Tweet when his comments on head coach Todd Haley landed him a ban from practicing with the Chiefs and participating in other team activities. The year ended with a suspension until November 9 for "conduct detrimental to the club" followed by, being released. Good luck Redskins, I hope they have a lock on their internet room.
RB - LenDale White - Broncos Whilst most players waste time with gyms and protein diets to get in shape Lendale decided to cut out tequila to lose weight; you have got to love the fact that tequila was once a regular part of his professional diet in the first place. His spot on this team is confirmed with his casual attitude to team rules that has landed him in the dog house and on the sideline at key times fantasy owners are relying on him. Can Gatorade be considered a mixer?
WR - Santonio Holmes - Jets Taking a leaf from any good primary school teacher's handbook the Steelers decided to sit apart their two naughtiest pupils. Trouble for fantasy owners is that they sat Holmes in New York. When the Diner found "disorderly conduct", "domestic dispute", "assault", "traffic ticket", "marijuana" and "glass throwing" in Santonio's tag cloud we knew we had our starting WR. Add on a 4 game 2010 ban and you may just have your team captain too. Sadly we couldn't get hold of him to share the news, the phone just kept ringing and ringing. Perhaps he had his iPod on.
WR - Brandon Marshall - Dolphins Despite once slipping on an empty McDonald's bag while wrestling with family members and falling through a television set Brandon's superb on field play can only be described as arresting. If only that adjective could remain on the field. Whilst charges have been dropped activities include disorderly conduct and a loose understanding of driving laws in multiple helpings. Brandon has also enjoyed strained coach relations making Josh McDaniels' days a pleasure. Causing trouble during practise (see the YouTube video) netted him an offseason ban that sits alongside a league imposed 3 game ban in 2008 (reduced to 1 after an appeal) and a coach benching in 2009. In the words of Nas, you never know when you're gonna go.
WR - Vincent Jackson - Chargers When your nickname is "Wild Child" you know you have a shot at getting on this team. With viewing figures of TV's Top Gear falling the BBC should consider adding Jackson as a fourth host; his extensive list of automobile incidents and arrests make him fearless enough to take on any of the show's TV challenges; only Mr.Magoo seems to show less concern when driving. And Vincent may just have time for filming on his hands if the NFL do issue him with a 4 game ban from his recent guilty plead to driving with a suspended license. What's wrong with getting a taxi?
TE - Aaron Hernandez - Patriots TE was once the spiritual home of the bad bwoy, everywhere you looked Kellen Winslow II was getting bans from GMs, Vernon Davis was being sent to the locker at halftime and Jerramy Stevens was, well, doing most things. No longer however as all have cleaned up their acts, and so we must look to the future. And could that mantle be taken up by rookie Patriot TE Aaron Hernandez? Rumours of multiple drug test fails say that he just might. Sadly we won't know until week 7 when Roethlisberger returns from his suspension.
Ask The Maverick !
QB - Ben Roethlisberger - Steelers